Insane Enemies

Darkness is everywhere. The extended periods of silence are louder than when shells crack overhead and the debris clanks against the metal ground. We fight the bitter cold more savagely than we do our declared opponent, and hunger is the more ferocious foe. The stench of death surrounds us. The taste of each man’s anguish pierces the heart and the soul and the mind. The night lasts forever. We are trapped in a crazy man’s dream from which there is no escape because the tyrant refuses to awaken. We bathe in blood, our own blood. We shower in our sweat and tears. The night continues on; the darkness is never ceasing. They are determined to kill us all whether by slaying the heart or the soul or the mind.

Who Are You?

What’s going on behind you hazel eyes? What are you feeling way down deep inside? Is it how you let on or is it something else? Do you put on a show or are you being yourself? Are you wearing a mask or an authentic face? Do you display the truth or façade in its place? I get so tired of playing your little game. I can look at you twice, but you’re never the same. I’m not even sure that what I see is true. I don’t think I’d recognize a genuine you. I look in your eyes and see a life that is lost. I need to find answers despite any cost. You’re only one person, but you play so many parts. Yet not even the greatest obtains multiple hearts. So quit forging emotions. Set forth one single soul. If you stay in small pieces, you’ll never be whole. Pull yourself together and maybe you’ll find. The truth that you know is a lie of your mind. I’m not giving up until I’m satisfied despite uncertainty and all the tears cried. No matter how long I must gaze in the mirror, I won’t stop wondering until everything’s clear. I’ll know what’s going on behind these hazel eyes and be sure what I’m feeling way down deep inside.

Made Up

I’ve done my hair, each one in place
and put make-up on my face
Painted my nails, fingers and toes
I’m in disguise, nobody knows
I’ve gotten dressed, designer clothes
set for display in daily shows
I’ve worked so hard to look just right
Won’t you approve of me tonight?
I’ve done my best to be enough and to impress.
Don’t call my bluff
I need to know, someway, somehow
For all I’ve done, do you love me now?

I’ve paid my dues, put in the hours
fought fierce and hard, obtained the power
climbed the ladder and found success
rose to the top, of my business
I make the call, matter of fact
still no one knows, it’s all an act
I’ve worked and toiled to be this way
Won’t you approve of me today?

How much more can a person do
to be made up enough to prove
that they have worth, are of value?
Just let me know. I’ll fake that, too.
I’ll laugh and smile, joke and pretend,
keep up the game until the end
When I am gone, will you begin?
Will you approve and love me then?

Demonstrated

Tonight I realized how much I love you
Not like I didn’t know because I did
But something very special happened to me
When my love moved down to my heart from my head
It’s how I love you that makes the difference
It’s not all of the things one might expect
My love is not based on mere feelings
Rather what I choose to accept or reject
It’s looking for a way to forgive when I’ve been hurt
And asking for forgiveness when I make a mistake
It’s sharing my dreams with no fear of rejection
And listening when you give me your take
The little things we sacrifice from day to day
Demonstrate our love in a different way

Helpless Solitary Victim

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that steals my joy and leaves me lonely
If you knew, then would you?

Would you love me? Would you care? If you knew what I won’t share
I hide it deep. I hide it well. I bet that you can’t even tell.
The scars are all emotional. The sores, however, are physical.
I’ve been tainted and defiled. I’m desecrated and beguiled
So walk away and I’ll pretend, it’s how I wanted this to end.

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that sucks me dry until I’m empty
If you knew, then would you?

Would you want me? Would you now? If you ever found out somehow
I won’t tell ‘cause I believe that if I told you, then you’d leave
And then you would think less of me. And that’s the one thing that can’t be.
I’ve had to deal with this so long you can’t convince me that I’m wrong
I know we’re better off this way, even if it means you won’t stay

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that sends me to my place of hiding
If you knew, then would you?

While I was in sin you died for me and cleansed me from inequity
Still I must live with the consequences of choices made with lowered defenses
My self-destructive path I plowed is what I have to pay for now
So let this warn all who will listen, don’t be a helpless, solitary victim

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that separates me entirely
If you knew, then would you?
If you knew my deepest secret
Would you love me? Would you mean it?

Recovering

Had myself fooled about my own condition
You tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen
Knew it was wrong only I wasn’t thinkin’
You tried to stop me, but I kept on drinkin’ – anyway
What can I say?

Hid from the world at the end of a bottle
You tried to slow me, but I went full-throttle
Deeper and deeper I slid in the pit
You tried to save me, but I wouldn’t have it – that way
What can I say?

Now I look back on ruins, remains of my past
And I grieve for the years I can never get back
Children growing, others knowing I was missing out
Being quicker with the liquor is all I cared about
Now I’m sober and much older than I was yesterday
No way to turn back time
What can I say?

Only confession at the next AA meeting
I have to start small, but at least I’m recovering

I look to the future, let go of the past
Say good-bye to the years that I’ll never get back
And move forward with the reward of your loving support
New beginning, promised ending that’s worth living for
Now I’m sober, and I’m bolder than I was yesterday
No need to turn back time
What can I say?
This is what I have to say.

Loss

You said to quit but I don’t want to
You said to leave but I don’t want to
You said to stop but I don’t want to
You said to grieve but I don’t want to
You said to let go but I don’t want to
You said to move on but I don’t want to
You said to have hope but I don’t want to
You said to be strong but I don’t want to
You said to believe but I don’t want to
You said to forgive but I don’t want to
You said to dream but I don’t want to
You said to live but I don’t want to

Contentment

Each time I feel discontent, I realize it's because
I've been tyring to find something that will make me
happy instead of thinking about what I can do
to make someone else happy.

Do I Know God?

I go about my day in the ordinary way
Crossing each task off my list
For the sake of busyness
Always something more to do
Before spending time with You
Never knowing that my sorrow
Comes from waiting ‘til tomorrow
And the emptiness I find
Is from leaving You behind
So when reality starts closing in
I ask myself once again

Do I know God? How would you know?
The way I live, does it show?
Do I know God? Can you see?
Is it obvious, the Jesus in me?

Do you ever struggle to shine your light?
Do you ever stand up for what is right?
Have you forsaken your first love?
Have you ever taken Him serious?
Are you thinking maybe your heart is fine?
Maybe you should ask Him yourself this time.

Do I know God? How would you know?
The way I live, does it show?
Do I know God? Can you see?
Is it obvious, the Jesus in me?

The Real Question

What did you mean when you said, “I’m sorry?”
Did you apologize? Did you empathize?
Or did you not hear what I had to say?
I didn’t quite catch the inflection in your voice.
Do you think I’m dull for repeating myself?
Was my response rather queer or did I make myself clear?
What was your perception of our interaction?
Am I a different person to you than I was before?
Do you think less of me because maybe I failed in our connection,
didn’t rise to your expectation, was unable to perform
in a manner consistent with how I have been previously?
Do you love me unconditionally?
It was a mild misunderstanding.
Why do I read into it as so much more?
I do the best I can each moment,
still I hold myself to a higher standard than I can achieve.
But how could you know that about me?
And how could I expect you to respond
the way I would prefer you to?

Are You Listening?

Are you listening to your life? What is it telling you? Does it remind you of things you’ve done, or remind of what you’ve yet to do? Does your life tell you stories of real or imagined things? Does it give you early warnings, or surprise you with what it brings? Does your life grumble and complain like a terribly spoiled child, or does it see the good in things and keep you reconciled? Does your life often tell you what you don’t want to hear? Does it keep speaking louder as you turn a deaf ear? Does your life ever mention how it thinks you’re beautiful? Or, does it only tell you that you’re boring and dull? Whether or not you know it, your life is speaking. I guess the only question is: Are you listening?

Repentance

How can I admit how much I wanted control when all my excuses comprised a path of guilt and shame? How can I take responsibility for decisions I made when I compromised and wouldn’t accept the blame? How can I turn it all around and learn to surrender? How can my heart of stone ever be tender? How can I face the truth and compose a life that will bring glory to Your Name? How can I never be the same?

Every acceptance and every confession is another step in the right direction. Every time I take a stand instead of running away, when I swallow my pride or step out in faith. When I fall to my knees and say that I was wrong, that’s when you make me strong. And You take me back to the highest place when I fully repent of my latest disgrace because your love is much greater than all the mistakes I’ve made. And you will never turn away.

I can admit my weaknesses and how much I’ve failed when I’m confident that I will still be loved. I can say that I’m sorry for bad decisions I’ve made when I admit what I was thinking of. Because you strip away every complication and in your midst there is no condemnation. I can know I’ll always be forgiven. When I confess, you lift me up. Your grace will always be enough. And I’m brought back to the highest place through repentance again.

Learn

Learn to humble yourself, fall on your face
Look up to Him and receive His grace
Learn His lesson of love Learn to follow His way
Learn to walk by faith And start learning today
Learn to flow in His joy not to merely endure
Learn to simply believe so your faith will be pure
And more than anything else that you know
Learn how to give so that your faith will show

Back to You

It’s so easy to take you for granted and not recognize Your love
I know You’re somewhere thinking of me
but You’re not the one I’m thinking of
Why do You still care when I treat You so unfair
and I trample all over Your heart
I want to find a way to make it up to You
but I don’t know where to start So now
how do I find You when I’ve turned my back on You for so long
And how can I ever prove to You that I’ve missed You
the whole time I’ve been gone I’ve felt the longing
I’ve noticed something wasn’t right Believe me
it’s true when I say “I know the one I’m looking for is You”
And You have been waiting for me too
I’ve searched all worldly ways to fill the void I feel in my life
I explored other relationships What a mess
They left me with anguish and strife
I pursued success and conquered it but still felt empty inside
And I realized the fruitlessness of all the things I tried
With all my strength I tried to make it on my own
I wanted to live my life my own way I should have known
There’s no one else who can bring me the same happiness
Now my strength is gone my heart is broken and I confess
I chased worthless dreams All I need is You
But how do I come back to You? How can I find my way back to You?

But Jesus

It was hard, I had fallen, and was out on my own
It was far, but You were callin’, for me to come back home
There was fear, doubt and anger, mostly of the unknown
There were tears, I was bitter, but I had to let go

I was tired of empty promises, the world threw my way
I desired peace and happiness that escaped me each day
I was broken, I was torn down, at the end of my rope
But Jesus, oh, but Jesus, gave me hope

It was bad, I was tarnished, corroded to the bone
It was sad, the sin I harnessed, through all the years I’d blown
There was lust, being heart-broken, mostly my own makin’
There were just, piercing words spoken, as my whole life was shaken

So if you ever find you’re bleeding after falling on your knees
There is one man who is meeting all your needs

And if you’re tired of empty promises, the world throws your way
If you desire the peace and happiness that escape you every day
If you’re broke, and if you’re torn down, at the end of your rope
Remember Jesus, remember Jesus, for only Jesus, only Jesus can give you hope

All I Need

All I need is someone to believe in me
to take a chance, step out and take the risk.
There’s something inside that’s worth discovering.

All I need is the chance to shine
So I can take what’s mine and give it to the world.
It would be beneficial and encouraging.

All I need is a place to dance.
Just give me half a chance if that’s all you can muster.
One foot in the door is all I’m asking for.

All I need is some room to breathe.
I will be flying free, you’ll be wondering what happened.
Isn’t she the girl no one ever noticed?

All I need is the opportunity
for fate to shine on me and chance to bring me fortune.
That’s when I’ll prove to everybody.

All I need is someone to believe in me
to give me another chance for a new beginning.
Maybe I just need for me to believe in me.

Set Me Free

I knocked down the walls I built and trampled them down in the dirt
I'd been constructing them for years to protect me from my fears
They looped around my mind and heart and kept me hidden in the dark
But I can't take it anymore, so I'm smashing them into the floor

I don't want to be a prisoner, set me free

Give me death or liberty, but I can't stay here where I can't breathe
The air is thick with guilt and shame, and I've run out of those to blame
Accusing fingers all point my way for keeping me locked away
I was so content with life as a blur; I was confused, but now I'm sure

I don't want to be a prisoner, set me free

The self-imposed hell I created was fortified and heavily gated
But the only guards were my own doubts, so I cried to them to let me out
The fulcrum was when I decided, to free myself instead of hiding
Resign the task of my own accuser, and blow away the prison door

I don't want to be a prisoner, set me free

Already There

I don’t know how, but I’ll take the time
to figure out this heart of mine
Dazed and confused, it may seem to be
but more like abused in reality
Eventually, I’ll clean out the mess
and uproot the seed of bitterness
It’s so out of hand, don’t know where to start
I need a plan to mend my broken heart

And then I feel it, Your hand on my hair
and I hear Your voice say, "I’m already there.
You don’t need to worry. I have it under control.
You’re already healing, and You’re so beautiful.
Oh my sweet, precious child, you’re already reconciled.
I’ve cleaned your heart as white as snow.
You’re already there. You’re already there. You’re good to go."

I’m a new creation, that’s what I’m told
there’s been liberation, out with the old
Focus on a new life You have for me
everything is alright, one day I’ll see
It’s all temporary, momentary pain
leading to a victory of eternal gain
Only until then, I don’t comprehend
I have so many questions; I’m filled with fear again

And then I feel it, Your hand on my hair
and I hear Your voice say, "I’m already there.
You don’t need to worry. I have it under control.
Just keep listening, you’ll be my miracle.
Oh my sweet precious child, you’re already reconciled.
I’ve made you stronger than you’ll ever know.
You’re already there. You’re already there. You’re good to go."

Now any time I doubt, I know You have it all worked out
I have no need to fear, because I know You’re here

And I can feel it, Your hand on my hair.
And I can hear Your voice say, "I’m already there."
I don’t need to worry, You have it under control.
And You take good care of me. You’re so wonderful.
I’m your sweet, precious child, whom You’ve already reconciled.
You made me new. You made me whole. I’m already there.
I’m already there. I’m good to go. Oh, no. I’m already there.

Where I Stand

She pressed through the crowd and reached out in faith, touched the hem of his garment and the bleeding went away. Twelve long, hard years of the suffering and pain didn’t deter her from believing again. She just saw him near, knew if she only drew close, his power would heal her where she needed it most.

And that’s where I stand, that’s where I stand today. I’m at the crossroads with a decision to make. What am I really believing? What do my actions prove? If I really want a healing, then I have to press through.

He’d all but given up, when nothing ever worked. He has a pile of excuses that everybody heard. Condemned by a maiming illness with no hope of relief, he grew content to be helpless, but then God entered the scene. It took an act of obedience when Jesus told him to stand, and he was healed when he believed beyond his circumstance.

We all stand somewhere, but will we stand by faith? Will we keep believing, when life gets in the way? We all need a healing. We all need his grace. But we have to be willing to do whatever it takes.

Mary of Bethany

She sat and listened, hung on every word
Despite disapproval, her heart was stirred
Life went on without her, it turned out okay
She sat in Your presence, and that’s where she would stay
She was saying I’m here for You, I’m here for You

She sat on the wet grass with tears in her eyes
Obviously mourning, her brother had died
Still in her weakness, she confessed her faith
She knew Your compassion, You could see in her face
She was saying Yes, I believe, Yes, I believe

She sat before You and gave You her heart
That’s what she was saying when she broke the jar
And it wasn’t just perfume she poured at Your feet
It was her whole life, every heartbeat
She was saying take me I’m Yours, take me I’m Yours

There’s more to the story than words on the page
Betrothed to the Master just as I am today
Total love and devotion, she committed her life
Now it’s my turn to answer with a similar sign
I’m saying I’m here for You, Yes, I believe
Take me I’m Yours, won’t You make me
Like Mary of Bethany