I Am a Shadow

I am a shadow of my current self. No longer the girl who used to love to play and run and dance and dream. No longer the young woman who dared to hope, who thought life worth pursuing. I am the cool chill seeping into the heart when the air is still and thick with obligation. Placing a higher value on clothing my children and keeping them fed and warm than having fun and doing what I love. I am the pouring rain when the head is drooped and unwelcoming. Joy has been drowned, anticipation suffocated. I am what I should be instead of what I could be. For I was taught to work hard and not to work well. I was told to be strong, not to be courageous. I knew goodness was reserved for those who were lucky, the winners, the gregarious, the chosen. I am not one of the blessed few. I am cloud cover, blocking rays, defusing light, withholding brightness in a haze of condensation. Unfulfilled potential at every turn. I keep it locked inside of me because I live in the darkness, lonely and afraid. My familiar prison, my one comfort. Finding importance in busyness. Always running, never getting anything done. Feeling special with acquisitions. Possessions in a continual state of decay. Where I place value, what I hold dear, determined by shifting patterns in the weather. I give perception power over me. I bow to every tide. I am but a shadow now. No matter, no substance. Just the result of something other than me deciding my direction, determining my fate. So I gradually fade away and disappear with the sun.