Salt and Light

What will you see that will draw you to me?
The light shining through my eyes
My radiating smile
The healthy glow of my skin
That makes me seem worthwhile

What will it take to finally attract you into my life?
The gravity of my charisma and style
My magnetic personality
The substantial weight of my character
That makes you turn to me

You will eventually manifest
As I go about my business
Of doing things I know are right
By simply being salt and light

Forget

My heart, my will, my conscience too
Choose to forget and not make room
Though memory knocks at the door
Entreating my allegiance for

Sweet afternoons spent at the park
Candlelit dinners after dark
Hands melded tightly together
Promises to last forever

Quick! Start to think of something else
The stars, the moon, the chiming bells
Just don’t remember or recall
My mind tries to betray us all

We Need You

We’re all the same.
We’re slow to obey because we want our own way.
When will we learn?
I am to blame.
I put up a fight thinking I know what’s right.
When will I turn and put my trust in Your Name
and give You total control of all that I hold
and cling so tightly to?
Lord, help me remember that
all that really matters is You love me.
And all that I need to know is that You’ll always be true.
All that we need to do is love each other.
All that we need is found in You.

Be About It

Anything I can do to brighten the day for you
I’m gonna be about it
don’t have to think about it
Anything I can say to bring a smile your way
I’m gonna be about it
ain’t no doubt about it
You call my name and lift me up
this is my way to send the love right back to you
It’s the least I can do
You bring me joy and make me sing
so please accept this offering
to make your day in a special way
To think of you, it makes me smile
and knowing you makes life worth while
You are my song
I pass it right back along
And so anything that I can do to brighten the day for you
I’m gonna be about it

Forsaken

Oh the things we will forsake
In the pursuit of happiness
What will we do for goodness’ sake
Instead we embrace this madness

Oh the people we will meet
How many will we ever know
Or merely pass them on the street
Another game within the show

Oh the needs we walk on by
When there are places we can serve
Do we stop or let them cry
Will we all get what we deserve

Oh the things we will forsake
In these decisions that we make

Who Believes in Christmas?

I know why Christmas colors are red and green. This is what they mean. Red is for how far in debt we go. Just put another charge on my credit card, and if it won’t go through, I’ll blame it on the snow. And I am turning green with envying, seeing all the things everyone else is unwrapping on Christmas morning. Yet I know most gifts will be returned the very next day. And who believes in Christmas anyway? You say season’s greetings and happy holiday. So who believes in Christmas anyway?

I know why Christmas comes only once a year. This is what I fear. There is a rise in suicides and deaths from those who drink their Christmas cheer. We wish others tides of peace and joy then start a brawl over the last new must have toy. The pressures of the ones we love and insistence to leave gifts for those we don’t even know. Give what you can’t afford to someone who doesn’t want it. That’s the way it always seems to go. It takes a whole year to recover. When will anyone discover this may not be a merry holiday?
And who believes in Christmas anyway? You say season’s greetings and happy holiday. But who believes in Christmas anyway?

There was a day when Christ was born into a world of scoff and scorn to save a people who were lost, and He would pay the highest cost. This is the reason for the season. Yet the world has turned His precious gift into a mile-long shopping list. And bow down to materialism instead of the life Christ has given. So give credit where credit’s due, or charge on credit and have dues to pay. You say seasons greeting and happy holiday. And I’ll believe in Christmas anyway.

Are You Out There?

Are you out there somewhere praying for me to walk into your life unexpectedly?
Do you watch intently each passing smile, thinking maybe this one will be someone worthwhile?
Do you stop and listen to every soft spoken voice hoping that this time you’ll make the right choice?
Are you out there? Are you waiting? Are you somewhere anticipating the day I’ll enter your life and set everything right and end the lonely heartache? What a difference I’ll make.
Do you look directly into each pair of eyes wondering if this gaze will be met with surprise?
Do you hear every whisper as you pass through the crowd hoping from the sea of faces someone new might stand out?
Are you out there? Are you seeking? Are you somewhere still believing? One day I’ll enter your life and set everything right. I’ll end the lonely heartache in the world you forsake while you’re watching and waiting for me. Don’t be deceived.
For every smile belongs to someone special. And each set of eyes holds something sentimental. If you’ll just pay attention to what’s already there and show every crowd member you really do care. Then suddenly someday when you least expect it, you’ll come across me and you’ll finally get it. That I’ll enter your life when everything is alright, and you’re already content with the love you represent. And there will be no more lonely, empty heartache, when you no longer need to have a difference made.
Are you out there? Are you waiting? Are you somewhere anticipating?

On Warm Summer Nights

On warm summer nights
I sit outside, gaze at the stars
And wonder at the universe
Infinitely expansive
Unaware of my presence
I fall asleep on the back porch
On warm summer nights
The humidity wraps me as a cloak
Not a care in the world
Dreams take flight
Memories of days gone by
Consume my mind
On warm summer nights
As I glance upon the river
And her dazzling reflections
My heart yearns for the return
Of youth and innocence
Dancing across the fields
On warm summer nights
Completely invisible
I feel so small
It makes no sense at all
Staring at the darkened sky
I miss my life
On warm summer nights

Vintage

Clinging desperately to the vine
Getting sweeter over time
All around the stake they wind
Growing slightly out of line
Falling back, bending behind
Sublime, they shine by their design
Mine – so fine, must be divine
Should be a crime
For you to find
It may even blow your mind
Truly is a vintage wine
Getting sweeter over time
Clinging desperately to the vine

Happiness

Happily ever after is a lie
Happiness must be chosen every day
It won’t fall on you simply walking by
Sometimes you have to go out of your way
Fairytales falsify expectations
There’s no way to make it all come easy
The mouth can spew useless declarations
But actions prove what is reality

I’ve been ruined by these aspirations
I’ve come to realize along the way
No more daily fantasized vacations
No more believing lies day after day
I only want happiness where it’s real
But happiness is just a way to feel

Hello

Hello to the sun on a summer’s day
Hello to the moon on a winter’s night
Hello to the stars that are shining bright
Hello to the clouds floating on their way
The stream says hello as it flows along
The grass says hello waving in the breeze
The wind says hello passing through the trees
The brook says hello with its happy song

Greetings are everywhere if we’ll listen
Greetings to everyone – pay attention
Hear it in the raindrops as they’re falling
Hear it in the snowflakes as they glisten
Voices of the earth speak without question
Voices in the sky are nature’s calling

Assigned

Sound
as versification
or
lineation

Words

You can keep inventing new words
without ever finding more meaning

Way

Spontaneous smiling
Penny’s worth of pleasure
Soccer mom van – converted
Flexible driving
Lips in motion
Ascertain the best possibility
Ask first, apologize later
That would help
I should think

Insane Enemies

Darkness is everywhere. The extended periods of silence are louder than when shells crack overhead and the debris clanks against the metal ground. We fight the bitter cold more savagely than we do our declared opponent, and hunger is the more ferocious foe. The stench of death surrounds us. The taste of each man’s anguish pierces the heart and the soul and the mind. The night lasts forever. We are trapped in a crazy man’s dream from which there is no escape because the tyrant refuses to awaken. We bathe in blood, our own blood. We shower in our sweat and tears. The night continues on; the darkness is never ceasing. They are determined to kill us all whether by slaying the heart or the soul or the mind.

What Was I Thinking?

Carrying my heavy heart
full of unmet expectations
Hoping for my life to start
fulfilling my destiny
Rescuing my mind from unrest
forgetting my obligations
Inciting my soul to be blessed
for dream to be reality
Sentimental fools we all are
Thinking we could ever try
Inspired babble taken too far
Expiring before we die

Your Testimony

Pray as though all depended on God.
Prepare as though all depended on man.
Our effort, to others, is a reflection of our faith.
Physical and spiritual needs are not mutually exclusive.

Rely more on God and less on yourself.
Do you best, let God do the rest.
Make sure your actions are according to the will of God
supported by Scripture, and consistent
with Christ’s character.
We are being renewed everyday.
God’s grace is sufficient for me.
His mercy is new every morning.
Our trials are for our benefit.
The experience we learn from shines a light
of hope for others.

Build a relationship to form a point of trust.
Bloom where you’re planted.
Your life is your testimony.

My Special Place

I won’t live in fear and doubt
I want peace inside and out
I want to love and appreciate
Not grumble, complain and hate

I want to work, to play and rest
I want to try to do my best
I want acceptance, faith and joy
From active tactics I employ
To focus on the positive
And all the grace my life can give

So why do I sit here and wallow
In misery and feeling hollow
Instead of choosing to embrace
The beauty of my special place

Even or Not

Doubtless, You know what You’ve spoken
I’m hanging on every word
Faultless, Your body was broken
I scarcely believe what I’ve heard

Your plan is perfect, Your wisdom is great
Your way is upright and not for the faint
Your grace is power, Your word is true
You created men to glorify You

Yet we fight and complain
Have we all gone insane
We desire and we war
What are we living for

To be
Holy
To raise
Your praise

Sing over me
My heart will be
All I can bring
To You, my king

I'd Rather

I’d rather be in heaven with You than here on earth
But you knew every breath I’d take before the moment of my birth
So while I’m here I’ll stay in you, and I’ll willingly serve
The hope of my salvation is where my joy is found
It’s not in worldly things, what circumstance may come around

You have a special plan for me
Take my heart, use my life completely
For You alone contain the power
You shine a light into my darkest hour

For you sent me here to shine
To bring You glory, honor and praise
To do Your will and not mine
When I’m following all of Your ways

I want only to love You more
And to show others the way to the Lord

I have no greater desire than Your love
And Your holy calling is all I’m dreaming of
Life gets so exciting when I anticipate
The goodness You will show to me
Every day as I learn how to wait

You’ve given me the greatest gift
To practice Your selflessness
By placing me right where I am
To call attention to Your perfect Lamb

Still, I’d rather be in heaven with You than here on earth
But you knew every breath I’d take before the moment of my birth

Deja Vu

Well it’s deja vu all over again. I gotta take another lap until I learn my lesson. I’ve already been too long on this mountain. It’s time to grow up, time to move on, time to pay attention.

I wake up in the morning and start to complain. It’s looking like my breakfast will be oatmeal again. I murmur and I grumble through my day at work. This job’s a pain. It’s so mundane. My boss is a jerk. Then I remember Israel and say, “Thousands fell dead in one day because they wouldn’t thank God for His goodness, so they wandered and died out in the wilderness.”

Each decision I make, I second-guess. And then I wonder why my life is such a mess. I end up running in circles all day long. I don’t get anywhere, this isn’t fair. Where did I go wrong? Then I remember Israel and think, “They lived with disaster always on the brink because they wouldn’t obey God due to doubt and fear. So they camped out in the desert year after year.”

I don’t want to waste the life You’ve given me taking 40 years for an 11-day journey. Spending all my time in tents pitched in the sand, and never arriving in the promised land.

And it’s deja vu all over again. I gotta take another lap until I learn my lesson. I’ve already been too long on this mountain. It’s time to grow up, time to move on, time to pay attention. Take another lap around Mt. Sinai ‘til you’ve learned your lesson.

From Here

The only way to make progress Is to leap over the ledge
But from where I’m standing currently I can’t see the edge
There’s no way I can tell To get there from here
And I can’t take a step of faith When I’m too filled with fear
I guess I have three choices When I find I’m in this spot
I can wish that I were somewhere else Or go with what I’ve got
I can turn around and go back To wherever I came from
But I can already tell You now That would not be any fun
I could just keep on standing As if I were in park
Paralyzed like a statue And never leave my mark
Or I can move forward And let You lead the way
I don’t need to understand Just trust You’ll keep me safe
You know the direction That You have in mind
I’ll never reach perfection If I get left behind
So I’ll keep working harder On what You call me toward
Where or not I ever See Your great reward

I Want to Be

Like a little child reaches out his hands
for his daddy's arms to pull him in
Lord I, I want to be that little child

Like a helpless lamb hears the shepherds voice
And he follows him, yes he makes that choice
Lord I, I want to be that helpless lamb

Like a trusting fool abandons everything
for a precious jewel that remains unseen
Lord I, I want to be that trusting fool

There Go I

But by the grace of God there go I
I could be the one begging in the street
With no house to keep me warm and no food to eat
I look into her eyes
She’s no different than me
How could I not be moved?
How could I not see?
Who made me the judge to cast her down in shame?
I could be the one
We are both the same
But by the grace of God there go I

You Sent Me Here

I’m a wicked, faithless servant.
I buried the talent you gave me in the ground.
I’d dig it up and admire it only when I knew
there was no one else around.
I was so afraid. I didn’t know what else to do.
But that’s not the reason you sent me here
To run away out of guilt and fear
You invested in me so I could invest in others too
So show me what to do
I took the talent on my own behalf,
showed it to others and they just laughed.
They thought it was worthless or counterfeit.
No one thought very much of it.
I was dejected. I felt hopeless and rejected.
I’d thought I was strong, so I figured I was wrong.
But that’s not the reason you sent me here
To run away out of shame and fear
You invested in me so I could invest in others too
So show me what to do
Every time I try, for some reason I fall flat.
I’m not sure why, but I’m not real keen on that.
If my gifts are not just for myself,
then use them to bless somebody else
Because that’s not the reason you sent me here
To hang my head in failure and fear
You created me to invest in others too
So show me what I’m to do
I don’t know the ways I’m to circumvent,
but I don’t want to be a wicked, faithless servant
Teach me each day how to follow after You,
and show me what I’m to do
That’s the reason You sent me here.

Flying One-Handed

I'm the only one who stays home alone on Friday nights
I'm the only one who does laundry all day and still has dirty clothes all over the floor
I'm the only one who spends an hour cooking only to have no one be hungry for chicken
I'm the only one who drives all over town yet never goes anywhere
I'm the only one who buys toilet paper by the gallon
I'm the only one who falls asleep in the shower
I'm the only one who finds lipstick in the dryer
I'm the only one who loses the refrigerator
I'm the only one who forgets my own birthday
I'm the only one who dreds eating another peanut butter and jelly sandwich
I'm the only one who sits on the front porch in the rain
I'm the only one who pretends I can fly

Close Your Eyes

Close your eyes and look at me
The only way you’ll ever see
Me for the person who I am
Is to look beyond my circumstance
Close your eyes and see my heart
The cry within my hidden part
Is the foundation of my love
And knowledge that it’s not enough
Close your eyes and you will find
The image lies within your mind
Of how our two lives intersect
And where our hearts interconnect
Now close your eyes and breathe in deep
Close your eyes, but do not sleep

Because I'm free

I'm free
Yes, I'm free
And I praise the Lord
for everything He's given me

I praise the Lord and lift Him up
I sing of glory and His love
I shout for all He means to me
Because I'm free

I praise the Lord and lift Him high
I sing of glory and His might
I shout for all He's done for me
Because I'm free

I praise the Lord for His love
Reigning over me
I praise the Lord and live the life
He has given me

I'm free, free, free
Yes, I'm free, free, free
I praise the Lord for everything
He has given me
Because I'm free

Pioneer

Blaze your journey clear and bright, so it be seen any given night
You never know who follows you or sees your goodness shining through
A sheer example we're to be, foraging the way to eternity
Transcendent of the obstacles, risen from extrenusous falls
Still surging forward with intent of gazing with astonishment
The promised crown of victory to cast upon the King of Glory
So ignite your life and fan the flame and lead the way in Jesus Name

Still, Small Voice

Still, small voice - speak to me - tell me who I'm s'posed to be
Still, small voice - I'm listening - I know it's not what I think
There's a better, higher way I'm seeking, honestly
The purpose of my life, the plan you have for me

Tell me what I already know deep inside my soul
the way that I must go to be pleasing to You
Tell me what I've already heard from reading Your Word
the truth my heart stirred , the work I have to do

Still, small voice - wisdom's song - show to me where I've been wrong
Still, small voice - I will vow - to heed Your words, please, speak them now
There's a call to everyone to serve others in love
Your greatest command, show grace and lift him up

Tell me what I already know - to listen to You and clear out the noise
You're the still, small voice - keep reminding me that I've made the choice
Temptations may be clear and loud, but Your still, small voice can drown them out
So tell me what I already know - to listen to the still, small voice
I will listen to the still, small voice
I'm listening to the still, small voice - to....You.

Ora of the Undeserving

She walks into the room, and it brightens
As though someone has lit a lamp or opened the shades
Her smile melts the hard stares and spins the small talk
To thoughts of charity, peace, and all that is lovely
Her eyes gleam as small moons reflecting the sun's golden rays
Radiant skin, milky and glowing
Shimmering hair, silky and flowing
The quiet grace of her presence leaves the audience dumb
What has she ever done to inspire admiration?
Has she achieved great feats?
Discovered vaccine for disease?
Succeeded in business?
Designed a masterpiece?
No,
she simply is
and that
is enough

A Miracle

(Disclaimer: Not based on author's experience.)

Three failed suicide attempts - Daddy stole her innocence
and her whole world was filled with hatred and pain.
Three long years of his abuse – no one offered an excuse
the anger and emptiness no one could explain.
She would die before her time
from fear raging inside her mind
with a shattered life far beyond repair.
And she knew it wasn’t fair
but where could she turn from there?

Only Jesus has the power to heal.
He can restore from any ordeal.
He can mend your heart and make you whole.
But it’s going to take a miracle.

Now she’s grown and realizes – life is full of compromises.
And with all she’s given up she has the power to choose
to hang on or let go of the past.
Her bitterness would be gone at last.
She could accept God’s love or she could refuse.
But the only way to ever live
is in learning to forgive.
It’s safe to say and still so hard to do.


Then she turned her fear to hope
teaching others how to cope
and defeat the demons trying to destroy.
She moved beyond her years of shame and shares just how she overcame
and found a new life full of peace and joy
by the power of Jesus’ name.

‘Cause only Jesus has the power to heal.
He can restore from any ordeal.
He can mend your heart and make you whole.
But it’s going to take a miracle.

There’s nothing else you can do
but rely on grace and trust He’ll pull you through.
His Spirit can breathe beauty back into your soul.
All you need to do is to ask Him to
and let God do a miracle in you.

My Hero

Come be my hero, take me away
show me tomorrow is a brand new day
shine on me hope, show me your glory
write a new end to my lifelong story
give me a chance to sing a new song
come take my hand and lead me along
show me your love, fill me with freedom
see how my life is seeking your kingdom
all of my heart longs for your presence
my spirit needs to feel your essence
bathe me in light, surround me with blessings
with your holy might, please bring new beginnings
I'll do my best to follow your way
come be my hero, I humbly pray.

In Love

(I might lose the format, but the words still ring true.)
When the “in love” f a d e s

And I lose my GLOW

What will be Left?

I don’t know

When the song I sing

becomes a Lone s o m e tune

will I have the strength

to turn * to you ?

What will I do –

When i lose my HIGH

If love is true, Then I decide!

I love you.

Gnawed

The same insecurities keep gnawing at me. I keep making the same mistakes, rationalized by the same excuses. I pretend to be trusting when I can’t even be honest with myself. I’m scared. It’s not that difficult to admit it. Who wouldn’t be scared in my position? I have no idea where my life is going from here or how I’m going to get there or if there’s even a there to get to.

The Downer

No wonder relationships feel like such a roller-coaster. You meet someone new. You really like them. You're on top of the world. You have sex, have your fun, can't wait to see them again. You call them the next day, or wait three days if you're following "the rules." You leave a voicemail and never hear back from them. Or worse, you do speak but you get the "blow off." Or worse, you do form a relationship, see each other for a few months, several months, or a few years. The relationship lasts with its ups and downs until one person suddenly finds someone else to love or simply doesn't want the relationship anymore for one reason or another. You're devasted, no matter how it happens or what your role in the break-up. You wasted so much precious time of your life on this person. And for what? Where did it get you? You're back at the bottom until the next love of your life elevates you to the peak, the crest from which you will plummet the next time, hands up in the air, screaming the whole way down again.

Ride

Unfortunately, sex has been stripped of its former glory and reduced to a selfish act of trying to meet natural needs in an unnatural way. Sex has become a carnival ride - hop on, have fun, feel the thrill, the rush. Enjoy it now, pay the price later. Choose your poison. We have the Spinning Tops, the Mrri-Go-Round, the Zipper, the Scrambler, the Disco, and the Hammerhead. Any number of ways to make you sick, dizzy, and counting the seconds until you can get back on and go 'round again.

Bonding

I can’t even begin to list all of the ways extramarital sex has hurt me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Sex is supposed to be a beautiful, bonding experience between a man and his wife, a way to express true love and devotion, to give the other immense pleasure (probably to help make up for all the ways they tick you off), and to be naked with each other and not be ashamed, as it was in the beginning. Sex involves a deep level of trust, intimacy, and acceptance. It’s the glue that binds two separate individuals together. “And the two shall become one flesh.”

Challenge

So, being one to accept a challenge as I am, I decided to intentionally forego sex for over three months. Only, I wasn’t able to do it. As a Christian, I know that having sex outside of marriage is harmful. As a person who has experienced a myriad of harmful effects from having sex outside of marriage, you’d think I would have learned my lesson about extra-marital sex before now.

Experimental

I’m at day 45 of a 90-day experiment. Three year ago, a simple fact occurred to me. I’d been divorced for a couple of years already by then and was deeply entrenched in the lifestyle of a single individual. Single friends and married friends alike complained to me about how long it had been since they’d had sex. Their words triggered my imagination, and I realized how I had not gone over three months consecutively without sex since I was 18 years old.

The Beginning

Typically, a story starts at the beginning. However, mine is not a typically story. If I were to start at the beginning, I would have to begin with how I was conceived by two parents who had recently become Christians. They named me after Christ, a namesake I could never live up to, and it was all down hill from there. Several downward spirals later, I arrive here, where my story truly begins, at the halfway point.

Ownership

If there's something you own that you can't let go of, you don't own it, it owns you. When you refuse to give it up, you give it control over you. Release your mental ownership of your possessions, your relationships and your responsibilities, and you will be left without any excuses for not living up to your full potential.

F-ing

"Flying feels like falling,"
she sings
as I wonder
what's the difference?

Picture

I see the image in my mind
Perfectly clear with clean clean lines
I try to make you think what I think
To see what I see
Envision what I envision
With my small, inadequate words

My Angel

I met you on the train, the express to Chicago. You looked my way, and I couldn’t let my eyes go. You gave up your seat for me as a gentleman would. Kissed my hand when you gave your name, a kiss never felt so good. But as luck would have it, the next stop was yours. You turned to say good-bye then slipped through the doors.

When you waved and smiled your eyes lit and sparkled. Would I ever be okay? Would I ever be the same if you never passed my way again?

Seven sweet years later and three boys with your name, my memories are just as clear, and my love is just the same. You would wait at the door for me when you left for work each day then kiss me ever tenderly before you went away. I would wait for you expectantly at a quarter to five to see your smiling face again, I felt so alive.

You bought me roses, remembered each anniversary. Would I ever be okay? Would I ever be the same if you never passed my way again?

The winter was windy with snow blowing wild. Icy intersections and darkness compiled. The stop sign wasn’t visible, the other car from out of state. Everyone blamed the weather but I knew it was fate. It only took one accident to send my angel heaven sent.

Now the train is just a lonely cry, and the doorway brings tears to my eyes. Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be the same since you’ll never pass my way again?

Ashes in a Cage

I’m trying to escape
There’s not much more I can take
before I melt away
Still the heat gets turned up higher
and I fall into the fire
And everything I hold onto is burned away
Yet somehow I survive
How can I still be alive?
I can hardly take the pain
Disfigured and severely scarred
horribly – permanently marred
with no one else to blame
But everyone can see the stains
on what little bit remains - undefiled
And those not quickly scared away
I refuse to let them stay
to experience my torture
I make some kind of lame excuse
for every selfish thing I do
And I keep so many fooled about my future
Once I’ve dug myself so deep
how could I even dare to think
there could be hope for sanity?
What was I thinking? Was it all just make-believe?
Am I so quick to deceive? Was it all I could perceive?
Or is it my reality?
How else could I explain the way I have been maimed
by my own anxiety?
By my overwhelming fears
by my ceaseless flow of tears
and indulging impropriety
as a way to numb the hurt
as a way to hide the dirt
through foolish denial
Is life all a masquerade trying to guess my own charade?
Or is it vanity? I don’t think I care to know
There is no other way to go
Simply let the fire rage
It will consume all in its path
I’m left as scorching aftermath
A life existing in a shell
it’s painted so well
I bet you can’t even tell
it’s a self-imposed hell
A life of ashes in a cage

Thank You

Thank you
From the hearts of many
To One

Thank you
Expressed in
Few words

Thank you
Is all that need to
Be said

You Love Me

How can I trust You when I don’t know what’s going on?
How can I believe You when my life’s coming undone?
How can I love You when I’m in so much pain?
How can I rely on You when nothing seems to change?

There would be no need for trust if everything were known.
There’d be no believing without troubles of my own.
There would be no comforting if there were no pain.
There’d be no relying if things all stayed the same.

But I know You love me, and You know me by name.
This is how I'm reassured that everything has changed.
You molded me and made me in a special way
For me to accomplish what you have for me today.

Your Testimony

Pray as though all depended on God. Prepare as though all depended on man. Our effort, to others, is a reflection of our faith. Physical and spiritual needs are not mutually exclusive. Rely more on God and less on yourself. Do your best, let God do the rest. Make sure your actions are according to the will of God, supported by Scripture, and consistent with Christ’s character. We are being renewed every day. God’s grace is sufficient for me. His mercy is new every morning. Our trials are for our benefit. The experience we learn from shines a light of hope for others. Build a relationship to form a point of trust. Bloom where you’re planted. Your life is your testimony.

Young Child

Become young in your heart to receive the wisdom of the ages
Let your imagination run wild, release your inner creativity
Do what your father says to do, and he will take good care of you
Go your own way, and you will encounter the consequences of your decisions

Revolution

I’m sick inside - From stresses and the pressures
Of this life - Taking extraordinary measures
Against my time - Throwing me off track
Changing my heart and mind - Taking me aback
Until I want to cry - And shatter into pieces
Falling through the sky - Like shooting star baristas
Selling pseudo highs - To unsuspecting patrons
Trying to get by - External expectations
So I think I might - Rebel against the standard
And run through the night - Crazily and haphazard
To expose the lies - Herding us like cattle
Drawn to suicide - In a losing battle
Camouflaging pride - Masquerading anger
Hidden deep inside - Keeping us in danger
Of our fight or flight - Conditioned responses
Shrinking from the light - And memories that haunt us
In the truth we find - As if waking from a dream
We finally realize - Nothing’s what it seems
There is no wrong or right - Way for me to answer
Point toward which to strive - Or way anything’s better
Than this one precise - Ordinary moment
Then the question lies - In whether I will own it
Will I pay the price - To follow the solution
There’s a chance I might - Start a revolution

More Than Amazing

Lord, I know she needs You. Her grief and her pain are more than she can bear. She really does believe in You, and yet, when she’s hurting it’s hard for her to know You’re there. She never wanted life to be this way; her anger is burning all of her love away. She needs your healing and a touch of Your grace today.

Lord, I know he needs You. His guilt and his shame are tearing him apart. He doesn’t really believe in You. That’s where he should start by asking You into his heart. He turns to every other type of a high. His main goals in life are to merely get by. It would give him peace to have You in his life today.

Lord, I know I need You. I’m too busy to praise You. My time seems to just slip away. I really do believe in You, yet my priorities continually fall out of place. I dread obligations and chores I have to do. My days blur together and I lose sight of You. So I pray for strength, for my joy to be renewed today.

Because Your grace is more than amazing, and Your joy is here for partaking, and Your peace will chase all her sorrows away. Because Your grace is more than sufficient, and Your joy is here and he can be in it, and Your peace is going to show me the way. Lord, please give me Your grace, fill her with joy, provide him with peace, and show us Your love today.

Defined Part 3

Future -

Christian -
Helper -
Receiver -
Influencer -
Spirit -
Truth -
Inspirational -
Excellence -

I won’t pretend to know what the future holds; I only pray that God will use me.

Dance

Dance, dance in the rain
Brave the storm of misery
Laugh your way through the pain

Though the blood of crimson stain
Emotional scars they may be
Dance, dance in the rain

When the heart in love is slain
Locked away where none may see
Laugh your way through the pain

Not a thought for what’s to gain
Beauty stole away from me
Dance, dance in the rain

Collapsed beneath the stress and strain
Communicating silently
Laugh your way through the pain

For death of life I won’t complain
But life in death is agony
Dance, dance in the rain
Laugh your way through the pain

Defined - Part 2

Present -

Christian – precious child of God, learning to live in complete trust and obedience

Healer – let go of the past, allow wounds to mend, embrace the whole self, come to terms with the pain

Relative – perception of experiences establish beliefs, not actual circumstances

Individual – unique personality with a rare combination of gifts to share and contribute

Satisfaction – willingness to be content with all that is regardless of how I would want it to be

Time – the one constant that exists only within the constraints of conscious awareness

Interesting – spurs curiosity through willful deviance from anything considered to be normal, average, adequate or usual

Ethereal – beautifully delicate, refined, creative existence of the poetic persona through the constructs of aesthetics and imagination

Affirmations

Sometimes the hardest part of all is that first step of faith
Seek God first and everything else will fall into place
Invest the talents you’ve been given and receive a hundred-fold
Before you take hold of the new you have to let go of the old
It’s good to know what you need to do, but you also need to do it
Either keep making excuses or refuse to ever quit
Don’t let the past stand in the way of the future you have in store
Do what you love and love what you do so you will do it more
Renew your sense of purpose by acting on your priorities
Take the yoke offered to you and live life with a holy ease

Defined – Part 1

-
Past -

Christian – know all the answers to all of the questions so as to not be confronted about inappropriate behaviors or other sinful strongholds

Hateful – harboring anger toward God and toward people for causing so much pain and disappointment in my life

Reality – something to be feared and avoided at all costs because it can’t be controlled

Invisible – unable to be seen, heard, felt or detected

Selfish – do whatever is going to cause the most pleasure and avoid the most pain

Trapped – life is a prison from which death is the only escape

Independent – no one else can do it the way I want it done, no one else is going to tell me what to do, no one will get close enough to cause me to care about them

Expendable – no significance, no difference, nothing is altered or affected

Bigger Than Life

There is a way that seems right to a man
Yet, ultimately, his steps are in Your hands
You hear him say he has a plan
Still,every breath and heartbeat
follows Your command
He goes his way, but in the end
You’re in control
You’re bigger than him
You’re bigger than life
You’re bigger than death
Higher than the heights
Deeper than the depths
No man can fathom, or begin to conceive
the extent of Your purpose
for those who trust and believe

I Could Have Been

I could have been a hero. I could have been a millionaire. I could have been so much further gone, maybe even already there. I could have been magnifico. I could have been a superstar by now. I could have made all my dreams come true and made the world a better place somehow. I could have been wonderful. I could have been heaven sent. I could have been all these things and more, if you weren’t absent. I could have been happy as a clam. I could have been stronger than you know. I could have been the best that I can be, but I can’t do it alone. You left me hanging out to dry instead of investing in my life. Now the most that I can do is guess, what I could have been instead of living it.

No more blaming or excuses. You made your choice. Now it’s time for me to make mine. And I choose to stick around and help my children become all they can be, as much as I possibly can. I may not be there as much as I was before the divorce. But I’m here. They may not ever appreciate it. But I know I’m doing my best. I guess that’s all any of us can do. I can only be who I am and not what I could have been.

God is God

God is God. He is undeniable and yet indescribable. God is omnipresent. He occupies every cell of our bodies and every particle of the physical world around us. Still, He gives us the choice whether to acknowledge His presence. God is all-powerful, but we limit His effectiveness by trying to control our own lives. In His own words, God is I Am. He is ever present and forever will be. He is the force by which and through whom all things exist. And God is still God whether or not I choose to recognize Him as God. God is Unchanging - Unwavering – Unfailing, and Immeasurable. It is impossible to fully comprehend who God is, at least on this side of eternity. That’s why God sent Jesus, so that our limited minds could see a perfect example of who God is and so we could be reconciled to Him. In Him, we see how far we fall short and how desperately we need to be sanctified by His Holy Spirit and for our salvation, to be reunited with Him.

Only the Faithful Few

Thank you all for reading my blog. You are the reason I am here. I hope these songs and poems and random thoughts help you, touch you, inspire you as much as they do for me. Much love. Christie.

The Eyes of Christ

I look into the eyes of Christ; they are a burning fire
Exposing all my selfish ways and every heart's desire
His eyes are inescapable while in His arms of love
So fight them, fear them or surrender and let them burn you up

For only what is done for Christ will last
Only what is good and pure may pass
Burn away indignity and pride
All the guilt and anger that I hold deep inside
Consume the kindling of each unkind word
And lick up every piece I've piled of unacknowledged hurt
Save me with the flames that purify
As I pass by the eyes of Christ

The only thing I have to fear is to remain the same
These burdens of inequity, no longer mine to claim
They vanish in a wisp of smoke; they fade into the air
my impure thoughts and behaviors are no longer found there

For only what is done for Christ will last
Only what is good and pure may pass
Burn away indignity and pride
All the guilt and anger that I hold deep inside
Consume the kindling of each unkind word
And lick up every piece I've piled of unacknowledged hurt
Save me with the flames that purify
As I pass by the eyes of Christ

For only what is done for Christ will last
Only what is good and pure may pass

I Can Hear

I can hear Your people crying
I can see their broken hearts
I can feel the intense pain they feel as their lives are torn apart
I can feel my spirit aching as I see their needs unfold
I can hear their desperate yearnings as I hear each story told
I can feel Your Spirit movingI can hear You in their lives
I can see Your glory clearly like I were seeing with my eyes

You can hear each prayer unspoken
You can see what will be best
You can feel their deep resistance to feeling Your peace and rest
You can hear each lost voice calling as You call them to draw near
So please show me how to serve them
Tell me what I am to do
I need to feel You presence as I seek to follow You

I really want to make a difference
to see the captives all set free
I long to tell the world about Your love
and show the love You’ve given me
So I’ll reach out with Your mercy
and extend Your hands of grace
I will walk in Your forgiveness and
shine You light throughout this place

But if I ever start to stumble
which I inevitably will
I ask that You would pull me up again
and choose to use me still
‘Cause I can hear Your people healing
I can see their torn hearts mend
I can feel their joy returning
as they turn to You again

How Real is It?

How real is it? I know the words, yet they escape me, like fighting for breath with no air. A love greater than anything imaginable surrounds me with emptiness. Everything I know is useless, meaningless. What difference does it make? If I learn one more fact,
I will forget my freedom. If I consider one more truth, I will forget to sing. How does music light in the trees? From where does the breeze originate? Some things I ponder. Some things I live. How real is it?
As real as I decide to make it be.

Got God?

Why do I need God? I have a good life. Why do I need faith? I can make it on my own. I can see why a bum in the streets would need God, because he doesn’t have anything else, or somebody in prison who needs something to believe in, or when someone is dying, and they don’t have anything to lose.

Why do I need God? Is He some kind of celestial Santa Claus who will give me what I want when I want it? Why do I need faith? Will it keep me from being scared of the dark or afraid of the boogey man? Give me a break. Why would I want to have a new life? I’m a good person and I have a good life.

But being good isn’t good enough. And having a good life isn’t having eternal life. Mediocrity is a deception to get us trusting in things that are false and don’t last. But God is love. His perfect love lasts forever and never fails and never changes. He doesn’t give me what I want when I want it. He gives me what I need when I need it. And He doesn’t always keep harm from befalling me. But He does give me the strength to endure it.

And my life is good right now, but life changes. Without notice, I could end up on the streets or in prison or dead. No one ever plans for these things to happen. We never know what tomorrow may bring.

Why do I need faith? Because without faith it is impossible to please God. Why do I need God? Because God is perfect, and I am not.

The Answer

I don’t have it all figured out
This is what causes me to doubt
I have a fear of the unknown
And I know that’s where I’m goin’
So pardon if I occasionally
Forget Your grace and stability
I fill my mind with lame excuses
And remind myself of past abuses
That’s why I find it hard to trust
In a God who’s always loving and just
I do have faith that pulls me through
And keeps me seeking after You
But at times I think it’s not enough
I’m too distracted by so much other stuff
That I don’t live as You intended
The clear lines of Your Word get blended
With my own wants and selfish desires
And the promises of subtle liars
I get confused – that’s not Your way
Uncertainty causes me to stray
Until eventually I find myself
Flat on my face calling out for help
You raise me up and wipe me clean
When I repent of how I’ve been
You pull me close and fill me up
With forgiveness, mercy and love
You understand my weak failings
And my continuous questioning
How ignorance often leaves me blind
So again You generously remind
To all these questions I pursue
The answer has always been You

Why Not?

Why did I cry myself to sleep last night? Why would I be upset about having someone be willing to give me anything and willing to give up everything to be with me? Why do I so easily tire of the words, “I love you,” and why do they hold so little meaning for me? Why would I rather be poor and alone, destitute with desperation, than to accept the offer extended to me to be together? Why do I let the ones I love be far removed from me? Why do I not eagerly pursue them? Why do I let them slip further away? Why won’t I settle for the status quo and embrace going through the motions? Why am I so afraid of losing myself in them again?

I Believe

I believe I am a victim of my circumstances.
I believe reality is how I perceive it to be.
I believe the hand of the universe is hard-pressed against me.
I believe fate is a rewarder of those who give.
I believe I will never amount to anything.
I believe I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.
I believe life is difficult, miserable and lonely.
I believe happiness can be found whenever it is chosen.
I believe I don’t deserve anything good.
I believe good things come to those who do good to others.
I believe no one wants to help me.
I believe everyone would like to be helpful if given the chance.
I believe I can’t support myself or get by on my own.
I believe the world is what I choose to make it be.
I believe no one really cares about me.
I believe I am loved by those who know me well.
I believe I’m too old to chase my dreams.
I believe I’m too young to give up on life.
I believe I’ll never be successful.
I believe in writing my own definition for what successful means.
I believe I’m always going to struggle to get by.
I believe there will always be obstacles to overcome.
I believe nothing positive is ever going to happen for me.
I believe nothing can stop the blessings from reaching me.
I believe the things I want only happen for other people.
I believe anything can be achieved with perseverance.
I believe I’m not strong enough to do the right thing.
I believe there is strength in numbers.

Believe

I can be what I’m meant to be, if only I believe
I can do anything, if only I believe
I can go anywhere
Cast away every care
Nothing is impossible
I can be unstoppable, if only I believe
I can move mountains and
Nothing against me stands
Faith and hope will endure
Of this I can be sure
All I know to be true
I know I’ll find in You, if I only believe
Dreams come to pass I’ll see, if I only believe
In You living in me, if I only believe

The Cave

Shadows cast upon the wall
Hold power over us all
Deceived by what we’re told is real
We’ve lost ability to feel
And think freely for ourselves
We listen to somebody else
Who says we’re ignorant and blind
If we ever try to find
The source of light creating all
The shadows cast upon the wall

The Choice

When all that matters is that I live to glorify God, then nothing else matters. When I try to do what I think will make me happy or make my life better, then I lose sight of everything that makes me happy and makes my life better. There is always the choice: either wish for the things that are not here or enjoy those things which are.

Boredom

Boredom stifles the imagination
Boredom is the result of amputating the mind
Boredom hastens mistakes and
Boredom leaves me feeling numb
Boredom blinds me to the realm of endless possibilities
Boredom sucks out my brain
Boredom leaves a trail of unfulfilled potential
Boredom dulls the senses
Boredom attacks a person subtly
Boredom is a slow and painful death
Boredom intoxicates the body
Boredom allows me to sleep while I’m awake
Boredom weighs me down like an anvil slung around my neck
Boredom corrupts the innocent
Boredom takes captive the best of intentions
Boredom leads every victim astray
Boredom advocates nonsense
Boredom reduces me to doodling
Boredom restricts my creativity
Boredom surfs the vein of sleeping limbs
Boredom arouses the loss of intelligence and aspires to conjuring a new excuse
Boredom is a thief of time, a tangent landing nowhere
Boredom circulates random thoughts through my head
Boredom initiates the echo of absurdity resonating in my bones
Boredom equals insanity
Boredom gushes forth uncontrollably
Boredom sneaks up on me unexpectedly

Spin

My thoughts spin in a million directions
The hectic whirl of inactivity - paralyzing
Simultaneous inertia from opposing forces
Renders motion static
Analysis proves futile
Brainless activity hastens
Productivity - worthless
Doing does nothing but
Running in circles
Being is everything - meditation

Apologetic?

I’m sorry
Came out so fast and easy
His face, blank
No concern in his eyes
Words are not enough
When they contain
No sincerity

You Say

You tell me I’m not good enough, I say I don’t care
Because I know inside my heart I have so much to share
You say I’m not strong enough to get the whole way through
I retort, I may not be, but I’m stronger than you
I may not have all that it takes to go the extra mile
But I’ll go as far as I can get and I’ll make it in style
You list all the reasons why it’ll never work
I’m too poor, I’m too afraid, I’ve suffered too much hurt
I’ve heard your excuses, and though they may be true
I won’t let them stop me for I know what I must do
You explain how this cruel world will eat me up alive
No one’s even listening, I’m just wasting my time
This is the only life I get, I should do what I like
But I need to deny myself and leave it all behind
It doesn’t matter what I want, I will trust and obey
And be grateful for all I have, whatever comes my way
You fill my mind with memories of all the times I’ve failed
And show me through experience where I have not prevailed
You say things will never change, you say I’m the one to blame
You say I’ll always be the same, You say I’m one crazy dame

I’m beat into a corner, where I’m left to die
I have nothing else to say, so I begin to cry
You’re supposed to love me, but you trample me instead
I know I should quit listening to the voice inside my head

You say I’m not good enough, You say I’ll never be enough
You say I should just give up, but I don’t care what you say

Do Not Fear

Fear causes us to make the most stupid decisions ever. Fear of failure causes us to give up on our dreams. Fear of being lonely causes us to form unhealthy relationships. Fear of rejection causes us to be dishonest with ohters and with ourselves. Love is the only thing strong enough to overcome all of our fears. Therefore, do not fear, choose love instead.

AT

Aporia stricken
Blocked from my mind
Clamoring for words
Determined to find
Echoes in the hollows
Flooding o’er my brain
Going ‘round in circles
Hopelessly insane
I just can’t explain this
Juxtaposition
Keep coming back to the
Lasting first impression
Maybe there’s a chance
No way to be sure
Open-ended propositions
Pound at my heart’s door
Questioning incessantly
Reckless rationale
So will it ever come to me?
Time only will tell

Transcend

"The kingdom of heaven is within you." Discover the truth, beauty and freedom of this reality and you will transcend the dictates of your external circumstances.

Shit Storm

"Shit Happens" the bumper sticker says.
"That's so true," I mumble and shake my head.
It doesn't just happen, it happens a lot.
And it's hard to see all the blessings I've got
when the shit storm is raging all through my life
causing decimation, worries and strife.
And I know that it's coming, but it's hard to prepare
when I'm dealing with all the shit already there.
So what in the world is a girl s'posed to do
when all of the brown shit is making her blue?
I can change my perspective and choose to aim higher.
I'll get buried in shit or use it as fertilizer.

Insane Enemies

Darkness is everywhere. The extended periods of silence are louder than when shells crack overhead and the debris clanks against the metal ground. We fight the bitter cold more savagely than we do our declared opponent, and hunger is the more ferocious foe. The stench of death surrounds us. The taste of each man’s anguish pierces the heart and the soul and the mind. The night lasts forever. We are trapped in a crazy man’s dream from which there is no escape because the tyrant refuses to awaken. We bathe in blood, our own blood. We shower in our sweat and tears. The night continues on; the darkness is never ceasing. They are determined to kill us all whether by slaying the heart or the soul or the mind.

Who Are You?

What’s going on behind you hazel eyes? What are you feeling way down deep inside? Is it how you let on or is it something else? Do you put on a show or are you being yourself? Are you wearing a mask or an authentic face? Do you display the truth or façade in its place? I get so tired of playing your little game. I can look at you twice, but you’re never the same. I’m not even sure that what I see is true. I don’t think I’d recognize a genuine you. I look in your eyes and see a life that is lost. I need to find answers despite any cost. You’re only one person, but you play so many parts. Yet not even the greatest obtains multiple hearts. So quit forging emotions. Set forth one single soul. If you stay in small pieces, you’ll never be whole. Pull yourself together and maybe you’ll find. The truth that you know is a lie of your mind. I’m not giving up until I’m satisfied despite uncertainty and all the tears cried. No matter how long I must gaze in the mirror, I won’t stop wondering until everything’s clear. I’ll know what’s going on behind these hazel eyes and be sure what I’m feeling way down deep inside.

Made Up

I’ve done my hair, each one in place
and put make-up on my face
Painted my nails, fingers and toes
I’m in disguise, nobody knows
I’ve gotten dressed, designer clothes
set for display in daily shows
I’ve worked so hard to look just right
Won’t you approve of me tonight?
I’ve done my best to be enough and to impress.
Don’t call my bluff
I need to know, someway, somehow
For all I’ve done, do you love me now?

I’ve paid my dues, put in the hours
fought fierce and hard, obtained the power
climbed the ladder and found success
rose to the top, of my business
I make the call, matter of fact
still no one knows, it’s all an act
I’ve worked and toiled to be this way
Won’t you approve of me today?

How much more can a person do
to be made up enough to prove
that they have worth, are of value?
Just let me know. I’ll fake that, too.
I’ll laugh and smile, joke and pretend,
keep up the game until the end
When I am gone, will you begin?
Will you approve and love me then?

Demonstrated

Tonight I realized how much I love you
Not like I didn’t know because I did
But something very special happened to me
When my love moved down to my heart from my head
It’s how I love you that makes the difference
It’s not all of the things one might expect
My love is not based on mere feelings
Rather what I choose to accept or reject
It’s looking for a way to forgive when I’ve been hurt
And asking for forgiveness when I make a mistake
It’s sharing my dreams with no fear of rejection
And listening when you give me your take
The little things we sacrifice from day to day
Demonstrate our love in a different way

Helpless Solitary Victim

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that steals my joy and leaves me lonely
If you knew, then would you?

Would you love me? Would you care? If you knew what I won’t share
I hide it deep. I hide it well. I bet that you can’t even tell.
The scars are all emotional. The sores, however, are physical.
I’ve been tainted and defiled. I’m desecrated and beguiled
So walk away and I’ll pretend, it’s how I wanted this to end.

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that sucks me dry until I’m empty
If you knew, then would you?

Would you want me? Would you now? If you ever found out somehow
I won’t tell ‘cause I believe that if I told you, then you’d leave
And then you would think less of me. And that’s the one thing that can’t be.
I’ve had to deal with this so long you can’t convince me that I’m wrong
I know we’re better off this way, even if it means you won’t stay

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that sends me to my place of hiding
If you knew, then would you?

While I was in sin you died for me and cleansed me from inequity
Still I must live with the consequences of choices made with lowered defenses
My self-destructive path I plowed is what I have to pay for now
So let this warn all who will listen, don’t be a helpless, solitary victim

If you knew my darkest secret, the past that haunts me like a demon
Then would you? If you knew
If you knew the pain inside me, that separates me entirely
If you knew, then would you?
If you knew my deepest secret
Would you love me? Would you mean it?

Recovering

Had myself fooled about my own condition
You tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen
Knew it was wrong only I wasn’t thinkin’
You tried to stop me, but I kept on drinkin’ – anyway
What can I say?

Hid from the world at the end of a bottle
You tried to slow me, but I went full-throttle
Deeper and deeper I slid in the pit
You tried to save me, but I wouldn’t have it – that way
What can I say?

Now I look back on ruins, remains of my past
And I grieve for the years I can never get back
Children growing, others knowing I was missing out
Being quicker with the liquor is all I cared about
Now I’m sober and much older than I was yesterday
No way to turn back time
What can I say?

Only confession at the next AA meeting
I have to start small, but at least I’m recovering

I look to the future, let go of the past
Say good-bye to the years that I’ll never get back
And move forward with the reward of your loving support
New beginning, promised ending that’s worth living for
Now I’m sober, and I’m bolder than I was yesterday
No need to turn back time
What can I say?
This is what I have to say.

Loss

You said to quit but I don’t want to
You said to leave but I don’t want to
You said to stop but I don’t want to
You said to grieve but I don’t want to
You said to let go but I don’t want to
You said to move on but I don’t want to
You said to have hope but I don’t want to
You said to be strong but I don’t want to
You said to believe but I don’t want to
You said to forgive but I don’t want to
You said to dream but I don’t want to
You said to live but I don’t want to

Contentment

Each time I feel discontent, I realize it's because
I've been tyring to find something that will make me
happy instead of thinking about what I can do
to make someone else happy.

Do I Know God?

I go about my day in the ordinary way
Crossing each task off my list
For the sake of busyness
Always something more to do
Before spending time with You
Never knowing that my sorrow
Comes from waiting ‘til tomorrow
And the emptiness I find
Is from leaving You behind
So when reality starts closing in
I ask myself once again

Do I know God? How would you know?
The way I live, does it show?
Do I know God? Can you see?
Is it obvious, the Jesus in me?

Do you ever struggle to shine your light?
Do you ever stand up for what is right?
Have you forsaken your first love?
Have you ever taken Him serious?
Are you thinking maybe your heart is fine?
Maybe you should ask Him yourself this time.

Do I know God? How would you know?
The way I live, does it show?
Do I know God? Can you see?
Is it obvious, the Jesus in me?

The Real Question

What did you mean when you said, “I’m sorry?”
Did you apologize? Did you empathize?
Or did you not hear what I had to say?
I didn’t quite catch the inflection in your voice.
Do you think I’m dull for repeating myself?
Was my response rather queer or did I make myself clear?
What was your perception of our interaction?
Am I a different person to you than I was before?
Do you think less of me because maybe I failed in our connection,
didn’t rise to your expectation, was unable to perform
in a manner consistent with how I have been previously?
Do you love me unconditionally?
It was a mild misunderstanding.
Why do I read into it as so much more?
I do the best I can each moment,
still I hold myself to a higher standard than I can achieve.
But how could you know that about me?
And how could I expect you to respond
the way I would prefer you to?

Are You Listening?

Are you listening to your life? What is it telling you? Does it remind you of things you’ve done, or remind of what you’ve yet to do? Does your life tell you stories of real or imagined things? Does it give you early warnings, or surprise you with what it brings? Does your life grumble and complain like a terribly spoiled child, or does it see the good in things and keep you reconciled? Does your life often tell you what you don’t want to hear? Does it keep speaking louder as you turn a deaf ear? Does your life ever mention how it thinks you’re beautiful? Or, does it only tell you that you’re boring and dull? Whether or not you know it, your life is speaking. I guess the only question is: Are you listening?

Repentance

How can I admit how much I wanted control when all my excuses comprised a path of guilt and shame? How can I take responsibility for decisions I made when I compromised and wouldn’t accept the blame? How can I turn it all around and learn to surrender? How can my heart of stone ever be tender? How can I face the truth and compose a life that will bring glory to Your Name? How can I never be the same?

Every acceptance and every confession is another step in the right direction. Every time I take a stand instead of running away, when I swallow my pride or step out in faith. When I fall to my knees and say that I was wrong, that’s when you make me strong. And You take me back to the highest place when I fully repent of my latest disgrace because your love is much greater than all the mistakes I’ve made. And you will never turn away.

I can admit my weaknesses and how much I’ve failed when I’m confident that I will still be loved. I can say that I’m sorry for bad decisions I’ve made when I admit what I was thinking of. Because you strip away every complication and in your midst there is no condemnation. I can know I’ll always be forgiven. When I confess, you lift me up. Your grace will always be enough. And I’m brought back to the highest place through repentance again.

Learn

Learn to humble yourself, fall on your face
Look up to Him and receive His grace
Learn His lesson of love Learn to follow His way
Learn to walk by faith And start learning today
Learn to flow in His joy not to merely endure
Learn to simply believe so your faith will be pure
And more than anything else that you know
Learn how to give so that your faith will show

Back to You

It’s so easy to take you for granted and not recognize Your love
I know You’re somewhere thinking of me
but You’re not the one I’m thinking of
Why do You still care when I treat You so unfair
and I trample all over Your heart
I want to find a way to make it up to You
but I don’t know where to start So now
how do I find You when I’ve turned my back on You for so long
And how can I ever prove to You that I’ve missed You
the whole time I’ve been gone I’ve felt the longing
I’ve noticed something wasn’t right Believe me
it’s true when I say “I know the one I’m looking for is You”
And You have been waiting for me too
I’ve searched all worldly ways to fill the void I feel in my life
I explored other relationships What a mess
They left me with anguish and strife
I pursued success and conquered it but still felt empty inside
And I realized the fruitlessness of all the things I tried
With all my strength I tried to make it on my own
I wanted to live my life my own way I should have known
There’s no one else who can bring me the same happiness
Now my strength is gone my heart is broken and I confess
I chased worthless dreams All I need is You
But how do I come back to You? How can I find my way back to You?

But Jesus

It was hard, I had fallen, and was out on my own
It was far, but You were callin’, for me to come back home
There was fear, doubt and anger, mostly of the unknown
There were tears, I was bitter, but I had to let go

I was tired of empty promises, the world threw my way
I desired peace and happiness that escaped me each day
I was broken, I was torn down, at the end of my rope
But Jesus, oh, but Jesus, gave me hope

It was bad, I was tarnished, corroded to the bone
It was sad, the sin I harnessed, through all the years I’d blown
There was lust, being heart-broken, mostly my own makin’
There were just, piercing words spoken, as my whole life was shaken

So if you ever find you’re bleeding after falling on your knees
There is one man who is meeting all your needs

And if you’re tired of empty promises, the world throws your way
If you desire the peace and happiness that escape you every day
If you’re broke, and if you’re torn down, at the end of your rope
Remember Jesus, remember Jesus, for only Jesus, only Jesus can give you hope

All I Need

All I need is someone to believe in me
to take a chance, step out and take the risk.
There’s something inside that’s worth discovering.

All I need is the chance to shine
So I can take what’s mine and give it to the world.
It would be beneficial and encouraging.

All I need is a place to dance.
Just give me half a chance if that’s all you can muster.
One foot in the door is all I’m asking for.

All I need is some room to breathe.
I will be flying free, you’ll be wondering what happened.
Isn’t she the girl no one ever noticed?

All I need is the opportunity
for fate to shine on me and chance to bring me fortune.
That’s when I’ll prove to everybody.

All I need is someone to believe in me
to give me another chance for a new beginning.
Maybe I just need for me to believe in me.

Set Me Free

I knocked down the walls I built and trampled them down in the dirt
I'd been constructing them for years to protect me from my fears
They looped around my mind and heart and kept me hidden in the dark
But I can't take it anymore, so I'm smashing them into the floor

I don't want to be a prisoner, set me free

Give me death or liberty, but I can't stay here where I can't breathe
The air is thick with guilt and shame, and I've run out of those to blame
Accusing fingers all point my way for keeping me locked away
I was so content with life as a blur; I was confused, but now I'm sure

I don't want to be a prisoner, set me free

The self-imposed hell I created was fortified and heavily gated
But the only guards were my own doubts, so I cried to them to let me out
The fulcrum was when I decided, to free myself instead of hiding
Resign the task of my own accuser, and blow away the prison door

I don't want to be a prisoner, set me free

Already There

I don’t know how, but I’ll take the time
to figure out this heart of mine
Dazed and confused, it may seem to be
but more like abused in reality
Eventually, I’ll clean out the mess
and uproot the seed of bitterness
It’s so out of hand, don’t know where to start
I need a plan to mend my broken heart

And then I feel it, Your hand on my hair
and I hear Your voice say, "I’m already there.
You don’t need to worry. I have it under control.
You’re already healing, and You’re so beautiful.
Oh my sweet, precious child, you’re already reconciled.
I’ve cleaned your heart as white as snow.
You’re already there. You’re already there. You’re good to go."

I’m a new creation, that’s what I’m told
there’s been liberation, out with the old
Focus on a new life You have for me
everything is alright, one day I’ll see
It’s all temporary, momentary pain
leading to a victory of eternal gain
Only until then, I don’t comprehend
I have so many questions; I’m filled with fear again

And then I feel it, Your hand on my hair
and I hear Your voice say, "I’m already there.
You don’t need to worry. I have it under control.
Just keep listening, you’ll be my miracle.
Oh my sweet precious child, you’re already reconciled.
I’ve made you stronger than you’ll ever know.
You’re already there. You’re already there. You’re good to go."

Now any time I doubt, I know You have it all worked out
I have no need to fear, because I know You’re here

And I can feel it, Your hand on my hair.
And I can hear Your voice say, "I’m already there."
I don’t need to worry, You have it under control.
And You take good care of me. You’re so wonderful.
I’m your sweet, precious child, whom You’ve already reconciled.
You made me new. You made me whole. I’m already there.
I’m already there. I’m good to go. Oh, no. I’m already there.

Where I Stand

She pressed through the crowd and reached out in faith, touched the hem of his garment and the bleeding went away. Twelve long, hard years of the suffering and pain didn’t deter her from believing again. She just saw him near, knew if she only drew close, his power would heal her where she needed it most.

And that’s where I stand, that’s where I stand today. I’m at the crossroads with a decision to make. What am I really believing? What do my actions prove? If I really want a healing, then I have to press through.

He’d all but given up, when nothing ever worked. He has a pile of excuses that everybody heard. Condemned by a maiming illness with no hope of relief, he grew content to be helpless, but then God entered the scene. It took an act of obedience when Jesus told him to stand, and he was healed when he believed beyond his circumstance.

We all stand somewhere, but will we stand by faith? Will we keep believing, when life gets in the way? We all need a healing. We all need his grace. But we have to be willing to do whatever it takes.

Mary of Bethany

She sat and listened, hung on every word
Despite disapproval, her heart was stirred
Life went on without her, it turned out okay
She sat in Your presence, and that’s where she would stay
She was saying I’m here for You, I’m here for You

She sat on the wet grass with tears in her eyes
Obviously mourning, her brother had died
Still in her weakness, she confessed her faith
She knew Your compassion, You could see in her face
She was saying Yes, I believe, Yes, I believe

She sat before You and gave You her heart
That’s what she was saying when she broke the jar
And it wasn’t just perfume she poured at Your feet
It was her whole life, every heartbeat
She was saying take me I’m Yours, take me I’m Yours

There’s more to the story than words on the page
Betrothed to the Master just as I am today
Total love and devotion, she committed her life
Now it’s my turn to answer with a similar sign
I’m saying I’m here for You, Yes, I believe
Take me I’m Yours, won’t You make me
Like Mary of Bethany