In Love

(I might lose the format, but the words still ring true.)
When the “in love” f a d e s

And I lose my GLOW

What will be Left?

I don’t know

When the song I sing

becomes a Lone s o m e tune

will I have the strength

to turn * to you ?

What will I do –

When i lose my HIGH

If love is true, Then I decide!

I love you.

Gnawed

The same insecurities keep gnawing at me. I keep making the same mistakes, rationalized by the same excuses. I pretend to be trusting when I can’t even be honest with myself. I’m scared. It’s not that difficult to admit it. Who wouldn’t be scared in my position? I have no idea where my life is going from here or how I’m going to get there or if there’s even a there to get to.

The Downer

No wonder relationships feel like such a roller-coaster. You meet someone new. You really like them. You're on top of the world. You have sex, have your fun, can't wait to see them again. You call them the next day, or wait three days if you're following "the rules." You leave a voicemail and never hear back from them. Or worse, you do speak but you get the "blow off." Or worse, you do form a relationship, see each other for a few months, several months, or a few years. The relationship lasts with its ups and downs until one person suddenly finds someone else to love or simply doesn't want the relationship anymore for one reason or another. You're devasted, no matter how it happens or what your role in the break-up. You wasted so much precious time of your life on this person. And for what? Where did it get you? You're back at the bottom until the next love of your life elevates you to the peak, the crest from which you will plummet the next time, hands up in the air, screaming the whole way down again.

Ride

Unfortunately, sex has been stripped of its former glory and reduced to a selfish act of trying to meet natural needs in an unnatural way. Sex has become a carnival ride - hop on, have fun, feel the thrill, the rush. Enjoy it now, pay the price later. Choose your poison. We have the Spinning Tops, the Mrri-Go-Round, the Zipper, the Scrambler, the Disco, and the Hammerhead. Any number of ways to make you sick, dizzy, and counting the seconds until you can get back on and go 'round again.

Bonding

I can’t even begin to list all of the ways extramarital sex has hurt me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Sex is supposed to be a beautiful, bonding experience between a man and his wife, a way to express true love and devotion, to give the other immense pleasure (probably to help make up for all the ways they tick you off), and to be naked with each other and not be ashamed, as it was in the beginning. Sex involves a deep level of trust, intimacy, and acceptance. It’s the glue that binds two separate individuals together. “And the two shall become one flesh.”

Challenge

So, being one to accept a challenge as I am, I decided to intentionally forego sex for over three months. Only, I wasn’t able to do it. As a Christian, I know that having sex outside of marriage is harmful. As a person who has experienced a myriad of harmful effects from having sex outside of marriage, you’d think I would have learned my lesson about extra-marital sex before now.

Experimental

I’m at day 45 of a 90-day experiment. Three year ago, a simple fact occurred to me. I’d been divorced for a couple of years already by then and was deeply entrenched in the lifestyle of a single individual. Single friends and married friends alike complained to me about how long it had been since they’d had sex. Their words triggered my imagination, and I realized how I had not gone over three months consecutively without sex since I was 18 years old.

The Beginning

Typically, a story starts at the beginning. However, mine is not a typically story. If I were to start at the beginning, I would have to begin with how I was conceived by two parents who had recently become Christians. They named me after Christ, a namesake I could never live up to, and it was all down hill from there. Several downward spirals later, I arrive here, where my story truly begins, at the halfway point.

Ownership

If there's something you own that you can't let go of, you don't own it, it owns you. When you refuse to give it up, you give it control over you. Release your mental ownership of your possessions, your relationships and your responsibilities, and you will be left without any excuses for not living up to your full potential.

F-ing

"Flying feels like falling,"
she sings
as I wonder
what's the difference?

Picture

I see the image in my mind
Perfectly clear with clean clean lines
I try to make you think what I think
To see what I see
Envision what I envision
With my small, inadequate words

My Angel

I met you on the train, the express to Chicago. You looked my way, and I couldn’t let my eyes go. You gave up your seat for me as a gentleman would. Kissed my hand when you gave your name, a kiss never felt so good. But as luck would have it, the next stop was yours. You turned to say good-bye then slipped through the doors.

When you waved and smiled your eyes lit and sparkled. Would I ever be okay? Would I ever be the same if you never passed my way again?

Seven sweet years later and three boys with your name, my memories are just as clear, and my love is just the same. You would wait at the door for me when you left for work each day then kiss me ever tenderly before you went away. I would wait for you expectantly at a quarter to five to see your smiling face again, I felt so alive.

You bought me roses, remembered each anniversary. Would I ever be okay? Would I ever be the same if you never passed my way again?

The winter was windy with snow blowing wild. Icy intersections and darkness compiled. The stop sign wasn’t visible, the other car from out of state. Everyone blamed the weather but I knew it was fate. It only took one accident to send my angel heaven sent.

Now the train is just a lonely cry, and the doorway brings tears to my eyes. Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be the same since you’ll never pass my way again?

Ashes in a Cage

I’m trying to escape
There’s not much more I can take
before I melt away
Still the heat gets turned up higher
and I fall into the fire
And everything I hold onto is burned away
Yet somehow I survive
How can I still be alive?
I can hardly take the pain
Disfigured and severely scarred
horribly – permanently marred
with no one else to blame
But everyone can see the stains
on what little bit remains - undefiled
And those not quickly scared away
I refuse to let them stay
to experience my torture
I make some kind of lame excuse
for every selfish thing I do
And I keep so many fooled about my future
Once I’ve dug myself so deep
how could I even dare to think
there could be hope for sanity?
What was I thinking? Was it all just make-believe?
Am I so quick to deceive? Was it all I could perceive?
Or is it my reality?
How else could I explain the way I have been maimed
by my own anxiety?
By my overwhelming fears
by my ceaseless flow of tears
and indulging impropriety
as a way to numb the hurt
as a way to hide the dirt
through foolish denial
Is life all a masquerade trying to guess my own charade?
Or is it vanity? I don’t think I care to know
There is no other way to go
Simply let the fire rage
It will consume all in its path
I’m left as scorching aftermath
A life existing in a shell
it’s painted so well
I bet you can’t even tell
it’s a self-imposed hell
A life of ashes in a cage

Thank You

Thank you
From the hearts of many
To One

Thank you
Expressed in
Few words

Thank you
Is all that need to
Be said

You Love Me

How can I trust You when I don’t know what’s going on?
How can I believe You when my life’s coming undone?
How can I love You when I’m in so much pain?
How can I rely on You when nothing seems to change?

There would be no need for trust if everything were known.
There’d be no believing without troubles of my own.
There would be no comforting if there were no pain.
There’d be no relying if things all stayed the same.

But I know You love me, and You know me by name.
This is how I'm reassured that everything has changed.
You molded me and made me in a special way
For me to accomplish what you have for me today.

Your Testimony

Pray as though all depended on God. Prepare as though all depended on man. Our effort, to others, is a reflection of our faith. Physical and spiritual needs are not mutually exclusive. Rely more on God and less on yourself. Do your best, let God do the rest. Make sure your actions are according to the will of God, supported by Scripture, and consistent with Christ’s character. We are being renewed every day. God’s grace is sufficient for me. His mercy is new every morning. Our trials are for our benefit. The experience we learn from shines a light of hope for others. Build a relationship to form a point of trust. Bloom where you’re planted. Your life is your testimony.

Young Child

Become young in your heart to receive the wisdom of the ages
Let your imagination run wild, release your inner creativity
Do what your father says to do, and he will take good care of you
Go your own way, and you will encounter the consequences of your decisions